I was feeling so relieved when I realised I had more time to meet the requirements for the externship. I was wrong.
I got the result for my freestyle audition. 3+. It wasn't good enough. It wasn't too big a surprise really, I had been most concerned by my freestyle audition and had had a lot of difficulties with it. But now it was back, following me around like a bad smell. I was disappointed and rather miserable about the prospect of having to go through the whole filming procedure all over again.
I decided to wait until christmas before I film again in order to have time to make some solid improvements. I wanted to have more fun and lightheartedness in my sessions with Paris. My motivation levels were back on high, even if my actual energy level was having a hard time keeping up, so when Thomas proposed that I perform the vet care duties on the injured horses and then have horse time in the morning I leapt at the chance. I was playing with all my project horses and giving lessons.
I was also getting emotional, irritable and crabby.
I was swinging from success to failure back to success again.
I had started playing with Seth again. He's the 6 year old barb arab gelding that I have been working on and off with, with Gabi, to help him overcome his saddling and riding issues. He is an extreme right brain introvert with a left brain extrovert streak. I was playing with him alone as I only planned to get our saddling back to where it had been before the last time we stopped playing. It was all going so well that I also did the mounting preparations and Seth gave me the green light so I got on, got off, got on, did lateral flexion, indirect rein and jumped off. I was ecstatic, I had safely and correctly read him and played with him and could get on him un-assisted! The next couple of days I also passengered him at the walk with some isolations mixed in. I had a session with Gabi and we had our first trots off of the lead! He was making so much progress and I was very excited about where this would lead.
My sessions with Touria were not so progressive. She seems to be in an argumentative phase. I took her for a trail ride and asked her to canter across a field and she started to buck and bronc so I decided to take her out with the bridle the next day so I would have an effective phase four for bending. But on this day there was a lot of activity from the team re-viving the outdoor arena and Touria was very right brained. I decided to trail ride her away from the scary activities but she would not go down the road passed the arena. She then decided to go along the path between the arena and stables, heading toward the students. I thought it was a good idea because we could go in front of the castle and take the forest road by the students and have a nice trail ride that way. But she wasn't thinking about that, she was thinking about going back to the garden paddocks. So in the end we were on the lawn in front of the castle just doing tiny circles because she only wanted to go the the fence of the garden paddocks and eat and not actually move in any direction i asked. it got so bad that at one point she finally took one step in the direction i asked and i jumped off and then did falling leaf from the ground back to the stable. the next day I rode her in the arena and she was extroverted. Before long our session was having the same issues as the day before, with her arguing harder and harder. she ave me 30 foot of beautiful sideways without a fence, when I was asking her to go the other way! After that session I reflected on it and realised I had been constantly disengaging her; treating her behaviour as right brained but she had felt like I was being the minister of no. she had been left brain extrovert and i had been using entirely th wrong strategy for her!
So the next day I went with her die and every time she stopped at the rail by the garden paddock I used my carrot stick to hit the rail. I wasn't telling her off but I did caused her idea to be far less comfortable. By spending time going with her ideas I could gently add my own and "suddenly" we could canter 2 laps of the arena in a nice forward canter with no issues! It was very cool.
With Riva I had continued to do trail rides and had introduced her to the snaffle and began fluid rein with stretching in mind.
Last Sunday I was playing with Seth in the morning. Our online warm up and saddling session was going as good as it had been for the previous few days and he even gave me two laps of a calm light canter, with no pulling. I went through the mounting procedure and noticed that when I got on he wasn't as interested in playing with my feet as he had been. I figured that it's probably not so interesting and novel for him anymore. I did some lateral flexion, indirect rein and then direct rein to move him off. We played a little touch it, walked a figure eight pattern and I asked him for a ninestep back up. He couldn't or wouldn't back up. I knew not to get into a pulling battle with two reins so I used the jingle bell method and in the end got a few steps of back up. I made a mental note that we needed to sort that out. As he was bending and responding to my steering I decided to ask him for trot. After a lot of persistance and repeatedly asking him I finally got a few strides of trot but he would fall back into walk at the gate. I was a bit disappointed that I was not able to get the same or better than the day before. I guess it was those thoughts that got in the way of me realising that if he was not going forward it was because he was getting stuck. We were back at the walk and as we passed the arena wall my stirrup iron scraped it. The sound startled Seth who leapt sideways and then was caught in a death panick and he started to spin and buck and bronc on the spot. I felt myself falling in slow motion, all the time trying to stop it from happening. I also remember the whole thing being black - I had my eyes closed the whole time! As I leapt up I thought I should probably take more time to check I'm ok but I felt fine and I unclipped my rein so that I could move him around. I did lots of hind quarter disengagment, and sent him over the jump at a canter. He was looking very cool and so I took him to the block and went through my mounting preparations again. Again he was blinking, breathing, licking and chewing. He gave me the green light and I got on. I decided to walk the figure eight pattern after I had checked out his lateral flexion and indirect rein. He showed curiosity and walked towards the plastic bag on the end of the carrot stick that i had been using. I wanted to encourage this left brained behaviour but he stamped on the bag and scared himself - immediately he was spinning again, hard, and the bucking began again. This time I was more aware of what was happening as I was thrown off balance by the spinning and then lifted into the air by the bucking only to come down and find no horse underneath me. I felt the ground hard beneath my him and thought to myself, I'm going to be sore now. I stood up and felt the shock pour over me like water. My emotions welled up and I knew I needed help. I picked up the plastic bag and stick and began to do the friendly game, waving it rythmically and headed out of the arena with Seth in toe to find Gabi. As soon as Gabi realised I had fallen off she came to help. I told her I did not want his session to end on such a bad note but I felt like I couldn't break the pattern we were starting. She played with him and got on him and had him trot a bit before she got off. The whole time I felt like he was not far from exploding, it was a big dissappointment for all three of us.
I headed to the kitchen and cooked lunch, feeling pretty ok. I knew that if I stopped doing stuff t would catch up with me and I was putting it off. We all ate lunch and then I headed to the garden paddock to get Romeo for his treatment. The girls were all in the living room and were putting the new Fresh Canvas dvd on. I was gutted to be missing out and felt myself get irrationally annoyed. I began hosing Romeo's wound and, as part of his three times daily routine, I began singing to him. According to Marie, the animal communicator, Romeo always asks for people to sing to him and I had noticed he seemed calmer and happier when I sang during the treatments. As soon as I was singing I felt my irritation dissolve and my mood lift. I was holding Romeo's bucket in one hand, the hose in the other and as he finished his food and was licking his bucket he decided to chew the bucket - and bit my finger. I could see and feel his teeth push harder into my left index finger and the pain start coming and when I moved my other hand to geth him to stop biting the water from the hose went everywhere and soaked me. I was really angry. I felt pure anger boil up through me and almost as quickly I was ashamed of myself. I burst out crying. Am I going crazy? How can my emotions be yoyoing so badly? This is not normal for me, I feel like I'm losing control! I hugged Romeo, who seemed rather bemused about this soggy little two legged predator hanging around his neck, and sobbed my heart out. Finally I felt I had enough of a grip on myself to finish his treatment. I put the rubber gloves on and began to insert my right index finger into his wound. Then I realised just how much my right hand, especially the index finger, was hurting from falling off of Seth. I tried to use another finger but they were either the wrong angle, too close to my painful finger or too weak to effectively push into the hole. In the end I gritted my teeth and used my sore finger as best I could. As I walked Romeo to the field I saw Thomas coming with the electric mule. I tried to avoid looking at him in the hope that he would not see how emotional I was but when I heard him slam the brakes on I knew I had not succeeded. "Is it body pain or soul pain?" he asked. I felt the tears come welling up again, rolling down my cheeks and big sobbing gasps as I tried to get enough air to speak. I shook my head, I didn't know what to say. Finally "I don't know" escaped my mouth followed by a wracking sob, as if a flood gate had opened and all my stress and fears and confusions and anxieties over the past weeks came pouring out at once. Poor Thomas. Laura came over and immediately took control of the situation. She directed me to the living room and took Romeo from me. In the living room Mirjam and Karen comforted me and told me to stay in the house for the rest of the night and they would take over my Romeo duty and if I needed the morning I should stay in then too. I felt so grateful to them. I really needed a chance to pull myself together and straighten myself out.
That evening I was on Skype to Will and I got an email from Parelli. My Liberty audition had been assessed - level 4!!
It was certainly just the thing I needed to hear, and lifted my mood no end.
The next day we had Isabelle, the vet, coming to visit. Thomas treated Romeo in the morning and I arrived at lunch in order to be helpful when Isabelle arrived. I asked Mirjam and Karen to help me bring the horses in from the garden paddock and we were all standing in Sirius' paddock as I positioned myself next to him in order to put his halter on. Suddenly the horses spooked and Sirius left sideways knocking me flying, as I hit the ground I was very aware that his hooves were on top of me. He was desperately trying not to stand on me but seemingly not realising he had to move away and get off me! I remember thinking "why is he still on me?!" I leapt up and felt a pain on my head and as I put my hand up I realised my savvy club cap was hanging off my pony tail and I fixed it on straight. I felt a pain in my knee and shoulder. Great, more aches and pains. I was actually very surprised at how little I hurt. I caught Sirius and kept him at a distance as he was quite right brained reactive to everything.
After talking to Isabelle about Romeo, and listening to her confirm that Sirius could return to the herd, I watched as Isabelle began dentistry on the horses. I was suddenly feeling dizzy and tired. Karen took me back to the house and I took some painkillers for the worst headache i have ever had in my life! The next morning I got up and went to breakfast so that I could join in with discussing the plans for the day. I arranged to help Karen treat Romeo after lunch and headed back to the house with the Fresh Canvas dvds and spent the day learning about foal training and sleeping. I went to bed early and slept for 11 hours, then I fell asleep watching Liberty and Horse Behaviour the next day. I couldn't believe how much I was able to sleep but my body was so so grateful!
Inbetween sleeping I was able to get perspective on what had happened. I realised that everything that had been going on had piled up in my head and was a jumbled mess and causing my brain to go completely right brain extrovert. I really felt like the universe had stepped in and delivered me an effective phase four and as I nursed my sore aching muscles I felt my brain go "thanks! I needed that!"
The last few weeks, no months, have been incredible. I have learned and experienced so much. And now I have learned a little more about looking out for myself and my own limits! I'm feeling refreshed and like my thoughts and emotions are back to full health.
And this new perspective has affected my horseplay. I am playing for the relationship with all of my horses now, not so worried about tasks. Even with Paris and the freestyle audition. Especially with Paris. He brought me on this journey, he's my partner whatever happens. I keep thinking I really understand what it is to put the relationship first and then I discover a new level of how I am standing in my own way.
I have begun playing with my horses again, and already have acheived something new with each of them... I'm really excited where this perspective will take us!
